a letter for 24 year old me

hold on to the love you have right now, because it will be the best one you will ever have.
love wholeheartedly, love fearlessly, love again.

because you deserve it and so much more.

a letter for 23 year old me

i always forgave you because i wanted things to work for both of us no matter how messed up things were. i held on for so long because i still believed in 'us' together. i held on longer than i should have because i still wished things would really change one day. i stood by you.

you taught me that staying with someone who makes me question everything doesn't mean i'm being patient — it's a waste of time.

this is me letting you go because you made me realise that i deserve the best, and i deserve someone who plans a future with me. this is me letting you go because i'm done bending over backwards to make you happy, to make myself happy. this is me letting you know that i'm not giving you another chance. this is me letting you know that you're no longer the place i call home or the place i call my own. this is me letting you know that i'm done fighting for a place in your heart. this is me putting a stop to all this and declaring that i will only give a chance to someone who makes an effort and is willing to give me the love i deserve.

here i am, finally choosing myself over you. here i am, finally falling in love with a life without you in it. here i am, finally giving up on you.

things to quit

1. getting your self esteem from others
2. constantly attacking and putting yourself down
3. thinking that others are better than you
4. expecting things to not turn out well
5. living in the past
6. fearing the future
7. being afraid of change

(source)

can't believe it's been almost a year since i last wrote on this space. i want to say not much has changed, but so much has. work became such a toxic place for me to stay so i left after 15 months. in the last few months it took over my life almost completely and i saw myself sink deeper into depression than ever before. so much so that i forgot what i enjoyed and loved. honestly, resigning was one of the best decisions i made and i don't know why i didn't have the courage to do it earlier. things are certainly looking up now with some travelling plans (japan in a few days and melbourne in july), and i'm just going to take this time to have a good rest, mentally and physically.

i've had a few job offers, some pretty good ones too, but i know that i really need to sit down and take a break from life. sometimes i swear i hear god telling me "you've done enough, now rest." and so i will.

in transit

my final exam ended on friday and it never sunk in that i'm no longer a student until 3 days later. i'm really praying now that school is out of the way, that my focus on work will be better. i haven't been in the best shape and mental state lately, having a lot of things on my mind and it's a mess. i had better expectations of myself back at work cos' i'm doing something i love, but failed to deliver in a way.

i know i can do better.

i will get better.

here's to starting fresh as a proper working adult, fingers crossed.

again, put zero effort into my school work. told myself i wouldn't and at the last stretch i fucked it up. can't deal with myself sometimes.

reminder

"i miss and love you too but love doesn't mean that you have to talk everyday too. there is love around the world that barely touches, barely meets but love is still strong. i want you to understand love isn't supposed to be measured by the amount of time we spent together or talking or what we talk about but what we love each other for. whether or not our lifestyles change shouldn't affect why and how much we love each other, lifestyles will change throughout our whole lives, but that doesn't mean we love more or less in different times of the year. i love you just as much as last year, don't say no 'cause i know i still love you as much even if we spend a year apart. it's up to you how you remind yourself to love, but i'm not chasing you less out of choice. i hope you can understand all of these and realise that it's not spiralling downwards 'cause of negligence. it can choose to stay strong if you work for it harder, especially because we can't get it easier. the chasing 'stage' is a human concept. just stop thinking that everything comes in phases. it does for some people but it doesn't have to for us. love is love, forget the stages. as long as i love you, i'll still be chasing you until i die."

- a friend's instagram caption that i need to remind myself of everyday.

-

1. You start off as strangers. Sometimes his name gets stuck on the tip of your tongue. You don’t know what it tastes like yet. You don’t know that he likes when you run your fingers across his skin. You don’t know what he looks like in the mornings. You don’t expect to love him. The possibility doesn’t even cross your mind.

2. You are sitting in silence in the passenger seat of his car. You don’t feel the need to break it and fill it with empty conversation. When you do speak it’s with ease. You don’t worry about saying the wrong thing or laughing too much. There is a comfort in the silence that you share and in the words that you speak.

3. In between the silences and the late night conversations and the “can i come over’s?” you find yourself thinking about him. What would it feel like to touch him? To hold his hands? Would you feel safe when he holds you? You imagine you would. You imagine laying next to him. You tell yourself to stop. You tell yourself you are not going to fall in love. 

4. But then you really are touching his hands. You can feel the warmth from his fingertips spread through your entire body and you hope he doesn’t notice. You hope your hands stay cold so he’ll hold them a little longer. His touch is warm and gentle. You don’t want him to let go. You don’t want him to go.

5. He is smiling and you can’t stop looking at him. You love the way he smiles and the way he laughs. You love being the reason. You love his eyes and the way he looks at you. Whenever he does you can feel everything inside of your chest explode. You know what it means but you aren’t ready to admit it yet. Not to him and definitely not to yourself.

6. You are laying with him. He is holding you and you feel safe just like you imagined you would. Neither of you are speaking. You don’t need to. You still find comfort in the silence but this time in a different way. You love looking at him. You love the way he feels under your touch. You love everything about him. You love him. You love him. You love him.

—	how to fall in love